I made the plunge. My good friend L always used to tell me, "Awareness is curative." When I was 20. I'm not sure what she thought I was capable of then. Now...I get it.
Life's processes follow a predictable order. The cycle of conception, growth and development, outgrowing your space, birth, more growth and development, outgrowing that space, rebirth....on and on and on.
And in there, the 'outgrowing your space,' to me, is predictable as well. There is the life being lived; the recognition (awareness) of things not quite right; the rationalization and justification that 'as is' is okay; the growing discomfort; the increased internal rearrangement ensuring the status quo; the ever-growing chorus of internal voices on high, banding together to make their point known -- things are not quite right; and then the cataclysm...the body leaving, the relationship ending, the emotional car wreck unseen to all, but felt inside.
The cataclysm can take any of a million forms. I guess that's why I still never know what to be on the lookout for so I can avoid it. But that absolute destruction leaves behind fertile ground for this girl. And so I plant my garden again.
But that first glint of awareness, recognition, internal conversation -- that's the one that begins to set me free. Once I experience it, it's only time until the secrets I keep from myself are revealed and the lies I tell myself come undone.
There's comfort in the process, although the process is far from comfortable.
So for me the cataclysm this time is in the form of paperwork. The paperwork of two lives being lived together is onerous. Making the two lives back into one singular seems completely overwhelming. And so for two years now I've avoided the paperwork. I've filed and tried to keep things neat-ish. But there are a whole host of papery decisions to be made -- things to be gone through and kept or discarded -- that have weighed heavy on my soul.
And then one day, last week, I told on myself. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the next great frontier on this internal odyssey is to sort my life, my paper life, my former paper life.
I had to call in reinforcements. I had to tell on myself to a few people, so I wouldn't chicken out. I had to make a time limit and just go for it. I'm in the middle now. It's exhausting work. Old Valentine's Day cards, family pictures, journals. Financial papers, insurance papers, attorney papers. I feel like I need a life preserver, like the current could wash me out to sea, like I could very well disappear under the silky smooth surface of still waters.
And I press on, forward, another trip to the recycle, trash, thrift store pile. The feeling of overwhelm is just a feeling. The reality is I'm fine. The reality is I'm one step closer on my path to freedom. The reality is there is sure knowing inside me that calls me along this path.
When that awareness is born inside of me, I rarely want to see or take care of it. I make sport of disregarding it and avoiding it. But today, awareness and I are joining forces. One paper at a time.
Congrats on taking the paper pool leap. After ending my 30 year relationship I took the month of January to sort through my house, it felt good, no great to clear out all the old. Then over the weekend I remembered a box up in the closet with the papers. Just like you said, cards, letters, notes, over 6 inches tall. I read two notes from the first year of the relationship and became quite aware of why the relationship ended (no telling why I could not see at 23 what I see at 53!). And I took the pile to the recycle bin. I thought for a moment of going through it all, but realized I did not want to. I do have journals so I can refer to the past whenever I want to. But I don't need the old love letters or not so loving as they were at times, to help me see what I know. That the past is gone and I am moving on.
ReplyDeleteHappy sifting and forward progress, because I know you are doing just that, sifting out what does not serve you and moving toward what does :)