Country Roads

Part II. Early morning to text to one of my dearest friends:


"Oh, and the notions of 'blindness' and 'guidance' have come up several times today as well. Just food for thought.


"And in the middle of the night, #4 (my youngest son) said, in his sleep, "Now THAT was tasty." I'm not sure what it means, but I think it might be the secret of the universe."


And then I went running.


I have a few favorite runs, but my favorite of all is a meandering country road, a loop near my house. I run it as often as I can. Today, when it came time to turn off the usual way, I kept running. As I passed the road, I thought, "I guess I'm running it backwards today." Sometimes, I have to let my feet do the deciding. Sometimes they know best.


Here was the lesson...


On this route, I always run with the flow of traffic. It breeds a certain kind of faith, running in the direction of traffic, back to oncoming cars, on a country road. It's a kind of blind faith. It's a trusting that the cars traveling at 60 miles per hour aren't going to veer slightly into the bike lane and hit me. I've needed to grow this kind of faith. I've needed to trust in that which cannot be seen. I've needed to cultivate the sure belief, through compounded experiences, that I will be taken care of.


But there's a flip side to this kind of faith...it's kind of passive. Not in a zen way either. It takes the responsibility I can shoulder and puts it in the hands of someone else. It has value, this kind of faith. BUT it also has its limits.


So today, I was facing traffic head-on. If a car was going to hit me, I was going to see it happen. It was frightening. Seeing the dangers coming toward me. Feeling the powerlessness of other people's actions. Being open to witnessing, continuing on, and following through. And it was a different kind of faith I felt being born today, a guiding faith -- a faith that I can accept my life, I can accept those challenges, I can accept those separate passing beings without necessarily altering my course. I can assess those seconds as they pass, make worthwhile decisions, and take responsibility for myself and my actions, my reactions and alter my course as needed, if needed.


I have run this loop for years. I couldn't count the number of times my feet have been on that road. We are old friends. I have come to rely on her for the certainty I know she provides. She gives me space and security to be. But today, she challenged my very notion of self. Today she showed me a new part of me. Today she gave me a glimpse of the woman I am -- new to taking responsibility for herself in a lot of ways; new to feeling confident and capable; new to having certain faith and newfound trust in the world around me. Today it was like meeting a new friend, with new perspectives and new offerings.


And this is the way it works for me...some ideas, emotions, feelings, words are circling in my brain or in my heart, and as I pass the miles, they reveal their meaning. 


So 'blindness' and 'guidance' have shown themselves. Now I'm just waiting for 'tasty.'